


epiphany

by bubblewrapstargirl



Series: One Shots [26]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Antidote to the bullshit that was Age of Ultron, Character Study, Civil War (Marvel), Gay Steve Rogers, Gen, Implied Relationships, M/M, Not Avengers: Age of Ultron (Movie) Compliant, Religious Conflict, Steve Rogers Feels, Steve Rogers gives no fucks, Steve Rogers-centric, The Author Regrets Nothing, This is going to be jossed to hell when Civil War comes out but fuck it, True Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-31
Updated: 2015-08-31
Packaged: 2018-04-18 07:18:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,549
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4697129
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bubblewrapstargirl/pseuds/bubblewrapstargirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>epiphany;</p><p>ἐπιφάνεια, epiphaneia: an experience of sudden and striking realization<br/>-</p><p>Steve is done sacrificing the only blessing he has ever had, for a world that no longer needs or cares for his assistance.</p>
            </blockquote>





	epiphany

Steve has made many mistakes in his unnaturally long life. Limiting himself to ruminating on the ones he made this century is his primary method of maintaining his sanity. The public outcry after the mass destruction caused by Ultron does not go unnoticed by various world security organisations. Steve feels the weight of all that civil unrest sit heavily on his shoulders. But Steve cannot be all things to all people all at once, and where once there might have been a choice - to allow duty to his fellow humankind to push aside his personal pain, and soldier on, this is not _his_ war. Not now there is Bucky to consider.

His mother once told him that ‘we all do what we must’. That if we deny our own needs for too long, we become a shadow, forever hidden in the light of others. Steve has spent most of his life battling against his need to curl up and cry when the ache in his bones was too much to bear, denying himself clear air as he took whatever job was available in dusty old stores. He denied himself the helping hand that Bucky so often reached out to him, so afraid was he of admitting how much, and in what way, he needed his greatest friend. And so everything his mother said would happen, has come to pass.

Steve is now a shadow in Captain America’s supernova. His every want eclipsed by his own alter-ego. His personal needs constantly sacrificed for the good of a people who do not even know the distinction, because there is no one left who remembers him as he ought to always have been; a skinny, sickly upstart who never knew when to quit.

Peggy saw him the way every other person did and does; as though his transformation was inevitable. Fated, to become the first successful recipient of the serum. As though Steve’s natural form was never the correct one. That he was inherently wrong, until the serum made him who he was _'Supposed To Be'_.

There is only one person who took Steve’s transformation as almost a personal insult, because his love for who Steve had been was so great. And that person is not only lost to Steve, but also lost to his own self, his memories and personality torn out by Hydra’s grasping, demonic claws.

Had it not been for his illnesses, Steve would not have disliked his former self. Regret is bitter on his tongue whenever Steve remembers how his last days with Bucky were tainted, by his sudden change. He knew Bucky only wanted what was best for him, and did not begrudge Steve’s improved health. But it was a struggle for Bucky to set aside his anger, that Steve had willingly let mad scientists experiment on him, when he had been subjected to the same treatment against his will. Bucky had only ever wanted Steve to be safe.

Steve feels like an ungrateful wretch whenever idle thoughts of _before_ flit across his busy mind, but the same could not be said for the attitude of his self-righteous younger self, flying the face of God. Steve has never been some kind of Luddite, railing against progress, nor one of those extreme Christians who refuse to use science and innovation. But there is no denying that changing himself on a molecular level is an affront to the creator he sometimes allows himself to believe in.

It’s an exercise in futility to envision an omni-benevolent creator who would allow such atrocities of the kind Bucky has suffered, after Steve had spent so many worthless hours praying for him to survive the war, and, after Bucky’s supposed death, for his immortal soul. Steve cannot - he _will not_ \- do Bucky the disservice of rewarding some invisible benefactor the credit for his survival. That Bucky survived into this century, still functioning, after procedures that would have reduced others to vegetables, is a testament to Bucky’s resilience and willpower. No one else deserves the credit for it, least of all some silent observer, who, if they did exist, allowed Bucky to suffer such terrors in the first place.

When the government talks of registration and the denial of anonymity, for those with abilities, Steve feels a creeping chill along the back of his spine, panic itching at the recesses of his mind, demanding to be let out. How long, he things, how long before they segregate us, imprison us, experiment on us? Steve would kill them all before he let them take Bucky from him again.

He spearheads the campaign against the Accords, but from the very beginning he feels like a drowning man being battered by the unforgiving ocean. They find ways to dismiss Steve’s every opinion, citing his incompleted military training and his inferior rank. Captain America was always a figurehead, they say; a symbol. Steve Rogers is just a man in a star spangled suit, a showgirl with an autocue, not the brains behind the mask. Rogers is little more than a footsoldier with some specialised training thrown in; he was never meant to interpret the big picture. Soldiers follow orders, they don’t shape the future.

Never mind that their ethics boards were falling all over themselves to secure him as a guest lecturer in their companies and organisations mere months ago.

Ultron has destroyed more than just the trust of his nation. The decisions they made, their reaction during the unfolding carnage, Steve’s utter disregard for anyone’s fate save Bucky’s.... it has combined to destroy his trust in himself. He will never be objective where Bucky’s safety is concerned.

Sam is more than capable of leading the freedom fighting Avengers that remain, while Tony attempts to assuage his deep guilt and ignore his own culpability by pandering to the government. Falcon is a well beloved and trusted superhero. The time has come for Captain America to disappear back into legend.

Steve must be honest with himself. The world was a mighty stranger without Bucky to share it with, and all the wonders of the future did nothing to ease the ache in his heart and the wound in his soul at the loss of him. Steve may be a soldier, but that is the point of defending the world, if that world then holds no appeal to him? If he were alone, perhaps he could have kept throwing himself into the fight. Ignore the blatant hypocrisy of his superiors, allow himself to blend in with the ignorant masses until not even he would be able to recognise the falsehood of his own smile.

It was easy to forget what happiness was, something Steve was horrifically reminded of, when Sam flat out asked him what made him happy - and there was nothing this new future had offered him that held a candle to the life he’d had before. When he’d had Bucky.

Steve has been accused of rash decision making in the past, but Sarah Rogers didn’t raise a fool. There are only so many lucky breaks a fella gets in one lifetime. Steve counts each day that he remains on this earth, with a Bucky that grows more like _his_ Bucky, every day, as a blessing he knows he does not deserve.

Few people meet someone that changes the course of their life in a tangible, measurable way. Fewer still find someone who understands and completes them in a manner so perfect, it is as if they were created to be a perfect match. Carved from the same wood; incomplete without the other.

Steve is done sacrificing the only blessing he has ever had, for a world that no longer needs or cares for his assistance.

It would have been wasteful; ungrateful, not to use the abilities gained from the serum, back when the concept of super-humans was new. Now, freedom fighters, vigilantes and supers emerge every day it seems - to chip in on the good fight, or else follow their own agendas. But the entire world cannot be the responsibility of one man, and it was always an exercise in blind arrogance to try to represent America on the world stage.

Steve knows so little about what people truly want in this century, outside of inherent freedom of the individual and a secure home. Hope is something he could provide, leading by example, but hope cannot give beds to the weary nor feed the starving. He is stymied by his own inability to place the needs of the many above the needs of the individual - when the individual in question is Bucky. Steve doesn’t want justice, he wants revenge. He doesn’t want to see Bucky’s torturers on trial - he wants to tear them apart with his bare hands. And it is time he stopped pretending otherwise.

Steve watches the love of his life struggle to regain pieces of himself day by day, but the bad days still far outnumber the good. Bucky does not deserve the stress associated with the life Steve is currently living, dragging him back down into the mud. Steve could no more choose to abandon Bucky now, than he could choose to make his own heart stop beating.

The time has come to make a decision; and Steve is finally ready to step up.

**Author's Note:**

> I should say I've never been into the comic book device of having someone take on the superhero name of a fallen comrade/retired superhero. Generally I find it annoying and unnecessary, and I hope it doesn't happen too often in MCU. 
> 
> But it depends on the circumstances - I think Bucky!Cap is respectful, for example, both to Steve's memory, and to highlight the fact that Bucky is worthy of the title. Which he most certainly is. But on the flipside, I don't think it's necessary for Sam to be Cap, in order for him to be seen as a worthy leader.
> 
> And I hate any and all mentions of Steve locking up Bucky, or giving him over to SHIELD to be debriefed with dubious methods 'for his own good'. How does that tie in with Steve's character at all????!!!! Nope, no thank you.


End file.
